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Velcro In The Twentieth Century

The uses of Velcro in the Twentieth Century are diverse and many; children’s shoes, backpacks, and hunting suits to name a few. Velcro is a divine invention and if not for it many people would be dead.
As a child of the eighties you were expected to be a fashion slave. Velcro was the slave master. Children’s shoes with shoelaces were obsolete, only Velcro Nike’s and Reebok’s were designed. This was a problem in the year 1988 when Velcro shoes went out of style. The U.S. Department of the Bureau of Statistics reported a sharp rise in shoelace associated deaths. Kids by the 100’s were tripping and falling into rivers, canyons, mine shafts… No one from the ages of five to 13 knew how to tie their own laces. Professional Shoelace Tiers were employed by many concerned parents. Those few passed a rigorous training course set forth by the Department of Labor. Shoelace tying had become a government controlled commodity. By 1991 this craze died down, and while some of the richer Americans still have their very own Shoelace Tier, most have become unemployed.
The Velcro torch was passed on to the backpack industry. Eastpack, Jansport, Gitano all jumped on the exciting new Velcro band wagon. Little did they know this wagon was going straight to Hell! The Velcro shoe generation was attacked on all sides with backpack temptations. Most gave in. Even the kids who still could not tie their own shoes! In some states where backpack companies had big impact zippers were outlawed! The hidden truth about Velcro closures was locked in a double safe.
It wasn’t until a Russian Spy got on the case that American parents heard rumors of the painful secret. There were reports of some overloaded packs popping open! The contents falling out and students being late for class!!! Teachers were not excusing these unfortunate souls’ tardies. Kids were getting sent to Saturday School. No one believed that Velcro could cause such an uproar. It all ended one tragic Tuesday in early 1993. A boy threw his own backpack off of a bridge along the Jersey Shore and started a revolution. He was fined $200.00 and incarcerated for no less than 90 days. A massive court case ensued and finally in November of 1993, Velcro backpacks were outlawed in 28 states.
The next fashion craze fell upon the animal hunters of the United States of America in late 1994. Deer season had just begun and once more the torch of Velcro was handed to another business franchise. The camouflage green and orange was now adorned with what else but Velcro. The companies final excuse was when a hunter is shot in the line of combat one can get to the wound at a quicker pace. Of course this sounds well thought out on paper, but out on the front lines it didn’t work quite as well as the hunting product executives surmised. In the snowy weather that most hunters endured that winter, they were lucky to survive. While in a drunken slumber the Velcro suit would come unhooked. Being numbed by their alcoholic beverage of choice, the hunters did not feel the heat escaping their bodies, and in effect would die of hypothermia. No one is sure just how many hunters succumb to this justly fate, the bodies have not all been found.
If you are sporting Velcro as a statement of individuality this year, watch out! The Velcro Industry of America has won this war so far. Gag orders have been placed over many lawsuits to date. There is not one person who can guess the full ramifications of this miracle material. Pope John Paul II put it best when he spoke to a crowd of thousands in Denver, Colorado, “Velcro, where do we go from here? Where is the end of here? When do the prophets cheer? God knows we can tell the end is near.”
 by Rasputin

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Subject: Theonion.com May 22nd, '03 3:10pm

I think that was one of the most funniest articls I have read ina  long time, and I am an avid reader of www.theonion.com, I also read Dave Barry and by far yours was the funniest of them all this week.

I do have some things to say.  THough i will not count them against you.

1. Spell check
2. Grammer check
3. Spell check again.

But I am like a bartender pouring a alchoholic a drink telling him not too.  I am the worst when it comes to those things.  So... for the first time since Writers Corner came to existance, I am rating someone a perfect 9!

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Subject: Spellcheck May 23rd, '03 11:59am

I admit to errors of my own on this score.  I'm certainly no walking dictionary.  Even so, it does affect the flow of your work.  Most notably in the title.

That aside, I did rather enjoy the off-the-wall humor herein.  It shows a strong creative drive, although the storyline is a tad jumpy.  Great work.

I'm the aged panther of the darkest reaches of your inner psyche.  Or something.
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